About 10
years ago, on the eve of having brain surgery for a non-cancerous tumor
that was pressing on the breathing control center, Ellen was unable to
sleep. Though reassured that everything would be fine, Ellen was struggling
with the "what if" questions. What would happen to her two young teens
if things didn't go as planned?
Late that night,
on composition notebook paper, Ellen wrote a letter to each of her children.
Her sense of relief upon completion of these letters allowed her to get
to sleep. Surgery went well. The letters to her children remained in Ellen's
care. Ten years later, they were rediscovered and given to her children.
She has kindly consented to sharing them.
Dear Evy,
I write this not expecting that I will die,
but in case something unexpected happens.
How can I tell you how important you have
been to me – my first born, my only daughter, my quiet beauty.
I have so many special memories of our life
together: both of us getting the giggles in church; our bright red twin
rain coats when you were 3; being in the canoe wilderness with you (even
when you didn’t want to paddle); hearing you play Pachibel’s Canon with
the orchestra (even though you hated to practice); watching you comfort
others like your teammate whose mother died; and buying you a prom dress
a year early just because it was beautiful.
You are becoming a beautiful and self-reliant
young woman. I am sorry we had to go through moments of distrust
last year. I cherish growing close again this fall, even if it was
a crisis on the eve of college that helped us to embrace.
Sex has not been an easy thing for us to
talk about. It took me a long time to understand that it is a precious
gift we can share with another human being, but it is best when love and
trust are established first. Men, and some women too, can treat sex like
recreation. I know you understand safe sex – please also keep looking for
a loving, faithful relationship. Then you will have it all.
You will be a most wonderful teacher – I
feel it whenever I see and hear you with children. Continue to take
risks and reveal yourself to others. Then life will have a fullness
you might not have believed possible.
Remember to give back to the earth.
The lessons of the Boundary Waters and of Y Camp, to leave a campsite better
than you found it, apply to decisions we make every day.
You have already discovered the joy of volunteerism
with Habitat for Humanity, Camp duNord, the North Dakota floods and
your service sorority. Keep it as a lifelong habit to strengthen your core
values by benefiting others.
Your dad is a good person who wants to be
there for you. So do many others – Carol, Marcie, Sue, Susan and
your friends. Cry with them, rage with them, or this grief can keep you
from your dreams.
My love will always be with you – you get
to keep it and remember it forever.
Love, Mom
Dear James,
I write to you tonight, not because I expect
to die, but in case something unexpected happens.
You are so precious to me and many memories
flood my mind. You were such a wanted baby – not to replace your
brother who died, but because we believed in family and a son like you
could fulfill that dream. I insisted on being awake for your surgical birth
so I wouldn’t miss a moment of your life with us.
I also remember you eating dog food (once
or twice); sleeping on the bottom landing of the steps, reluctant
to go to bed and miss anything; how you loved the sauna and jumping in
the lake; how you loved to dress up and do theater; how well you sing;
and your face when you opened the violin on Christmas morning when you
were six.
I believe you can do anything you make up
your mind to do. Practice does not come easy to you, but I see your
pride when you put your creative efforts to work. I am a fellow procrastinator,
but life is too tense that way. Try it a few times another way and
you’ll find unexpected peace.
For any ways we have struggled about weight
control, I am truly sorry. My wish for you is optimum health so you can
make your dreams come true. Dreams of high school, dating, marriage, children
and maybe a career as a veterinarian. Your teacher Denise is a good
confidant – she really loves you.
Remember to be good to the earth. You
already love canoe camping and the Boundary Waters so you understand how
to be a good steward of resources. Continue to embrace the causes
and the behaviors that improve the environment.
Volunteerism is a value of mine which I hope
you will continue: improving the lakes and rivers or the urban landscape,
teaching reading or camping, feeding hungry people – whatever you decide.
Your life will be enhanced even more than those you help.
I believe in you – how smart you are, how
creative you are, how handsome you are, how honest and genuine and compassionate
you are. Lots of people love you and can help you grieve. Don’t
run away from the pain and the grief - cry, write, draw, talk, yell
with people you trust.
I love you enormously – you get to keep and
remember my love forever.
Love, Mom
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